i'm fine, the female code for i want to punch you in the dick

[graveflowers]

"Jake, you can't just spend the rest of your life in this cabin like the freakin' Unabomber." It wasn't the best argument, really, but she needed to go to the store and he needed to come with her. It was a dress for his family's Christmas party and since Vi's idea of a formal dress was more along the lines of a sundress, she really did need his opinion on the matter.

Of course, Jake's reply was so grumbled and quiet that she couldn't hear him very well through the wall separating their rooms, even with both their doors open. She thought she heard something about how she would be beautiful no matter what she wore, but she mostly ignored that, putting the compliment aside to thank him for later.

"Look," she started, padding barefoot into his room as she pulled her tee shirt over her head, slicking her ponytail back. It was Jake's shirt, actually, an old Army shirt she'd found when she was doing laundry and just taken for herself. It was big on her, he was after all, roughly the size of Gaston -- who was roughly the size of a barge -- and she was the size of an elf, but she tucked it in to her jeans and still managed to look adorable. "It's just one hour and, I dunno, I'll buy you some beer on the way home." Because it was home now, even if she was protesting his holing up in it. "Consider it therapy."

Jake frowned at her, looking not at all pleased with her idea of therapy.

"No, seriously. You've spent the last three months with just me, you're used to me and I'm used to you and we have a system, but its our system. You've got to learn how to navigate people who don't give a shit about your injuries and how to move amongst a crowd or what are you going to do next weekend?"

"Violet, I'm going to be on the couch the whole time."

Her hands went to her hips as her eyes narrowed slightly -- she really wasn't fond of when he used her full name. She knew he wasn't having the best day and she knew pushing him for this could just devolve into a fight, but it was true. He needed to get out of the house. Not even for the interaction, because she highly doubted he would actually talk to anyone, but because he needed to be able to navigate around people. And more importantly, he needed to feel comfortable doing it before he went home to his family. If a stranger saw him stumble, it would be far less embarrassing than if his family saw him stumble. "Jacob, I'm not kidding."

"Violet, I'm not going."

There was silence for a moment, Vi's lips twisting in displeasure. It wasn't a scowl so much as a disappointed frown. "Fine. Then I'm not going to Christmas. Have fun."

Comments

[familyfuckup]

He was lucky and he fully realized he was lucky. Jake had a good family that loved him. They worried about him because they loved him. He was also aware that Vi hadn't been so lucky. She hadn't told him much about her family and he hadn't pushed because it seemed like a sore spot.

"If Rockwell had included four boys that cursed way too much to make their mother happy and a dad that cheated during Monopoly, yeah, pretty normal."

He said it in a fond, joking sort of voice.

[graveflowers]

It wasn't so much a sore spot as she had learned early on that it made people very uncomfortable. Some of the story wasn't pretty so Vi tried to protect people from that, keeping the bad parts bottled up.

"That actually makes it more normal sounding than a Rockwell painting," she protested, her hand absently patting around the bed until her fingers found the edge of the blanket and she pulled it back, wriggling her legs under it. She said she wanted a nap and she didn't want to move, so she compromised.

"My mom took me to Disneyland once, when I was nine. I didn't want to go on any of the rides, I just wanted to meet Belle because she was my favorite princess and she looked like me. She signed my little autograph book and I was so excited that I burst into tears and she hugged me. My mom just carried me out of the park like that, still crying. My mom bought two passes and we wound up being there for like, a half hour."

[familyfuckup]

People were probably generally unsure about what to say to her about it. Did you comfort her? Or did you brush it off, acting as if it were normal because that had been her norm? It was one of those things that were impossible to know how to handle. Jake figured she knew by now that it sucked so, in his opinion, you said that it sucked and you moved on. You talked about it if she wanted to talk about it. Jake had enough bad parts to bottle up now that he understood that, but before he'd gone to war, he would have wanted to be protected from the bad parts of Vi's life as well.

"In that case, I guess we're utterly normal." He hesitated a moment, turning something over in his head before he spoke. "Do you want to go to Christmas as my girlfriend or my friend." Another pause. "Or my therapist?" They would tease her and him regardless, but going as his girlfriend would get her the most flack.

"That's awesome that your mom did that for you though." He paused because he knew what the offer he was about to make would require. "We can go if you want. Christmas Day, in the evening. We can rent one of those motorized scooter things and go to the front of the lines." They'd be stared at. People would say snarky things, at least until they saw him stand up with a cane and the help of his girlfriend. He was pretty sure he could deal with if for a few hours and that'd give her a chance to really look around and ride some of the rides.

[graveflowers]

At least, absurdly, they had bad parts in common. Not the hows or the whys, but the fact that they existed.

Vi glanced over at him, studying him curiously. "What would you like to introduce me as? Though just a hint, not therapist." A pause, that matched his. "And not friend... I mean, if you want, if that is something you, um, wanted."

She smiled a little, dreamily like she was lost in that particular memory. Even with all the crying it was probably the best day of her life. Which was either pathetic -- because she was nine -- or really wonderful. She tended to side with wonderful because pathetic was kind of, well, pathetic. "She was great. Kind of weird and a little kooky artist, but she was really great."

Her arms wrapped a little tighter around him, a cuddly sort of hug. "Thank you, for that incredibly sweet offer, but I would rather stay home with you than meet Belle again."

[familyfuckup]

It was something that helped them understand each other in a way that other people might not understand them.

"No--I mean, I'm okay with introducing you to them as my girlfriend. More than," he responded. The next part came a bit slower. "They're going to tease you mercilessly about it. My brothers, I mean. On the upside, it'll mean they like you. If they were polite, it would mean they hated you. I can deal with that if you can. I've been doing it my whole life."

He tilted his head, watching her a bit as she talked about her mother. He rarely saw her like this. It was fascinating.

He had to admit, he was relieved she didn't want to go to disneyland, despite the offer he'd made her. "I think I can handle that. It'll probably be the first quiet moment we'll have since arriving." The kids would be worn out, crashed into a sugar coma. The adults would be tired from running after the kids. Jake and Vi could disappear to the library or the atrium for a little while.

[graveflowers]

"Well, you've got practice, I'd hope you could deal with them. And I've dealt with you for three months, I think I'll be fine."

Jake's silence, oddly, combined with her mood and the left over emotion from crying was what prompted her to keep talking on her own, lost in memories of her mom. "She was this weird hippie, like vegan, rice milk, Montessori school before it was cool. When dad was drinking she used to take me down to beach and teach me really useless stuff, like basket weaving or crocheting. She'd braid violets in my hair. She didn't name me after the flower though, she named me after the color. It means royalty or something, and she always said she wanted me to be a princess."

Shifting, she slid down the bed a little, tugging at Jake. "Sound nice. Lay down with me please?"

[familyfuckup]

"Are you implying that I'm the meanest, most annoying of the Safstroms?" he asked jokingly as he shifted, wriggling to pull the blankets out from underneath him and slide down underneath them, propped up against the pillows.

"i'm sorry you didn't get more time with her. It sounds like she was a great mom." And made up for her dad. He hesitated a moment. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but was your dad different when she was alive?"

[graveflowers]

"You seem to imply it more often than not, so maybe I'm just listening to you." When he moved, she curled around him a little more, she wasn't thinking about whether it was inappropriate or not, she just wanted the comfort that came with being so close and warm. And the safety. She felt very safe with Jake.

"Thanks, she was a great mom." She pursed her lips a little as she thought about her dad, trying to fight down the initial wave of disgust for a more objective answer. "No. Mom was just a better buffer than I was and when she was alive his friends didn't come around as often."

[familyfuckup]

Jake thought about it a moment, frowned and then shrugged. "If you were the baby in my family, you'd be the meanest and most annoying too." If he knew that she felt safe with him, it would make him happy. At one point in his life, all he'd wanted was to make people feel safe. He hadn't known it was a possibility anymore.

Jake furrowed his brow, nodding. "Why did she stay with him?"

[graveflowers]

"See? So your brothers will be easy in comparison. Besides, I actually like you, even if you are mean and annoying, which you're not."

She closed her eyes, sighing a little against his chest. "I don't know. I really wish she hadn't though."

[familyfuckup]

Jake was quiet for a little while, running his fingers through her hair. When he finally did speak, his voice was rough and low.

"Wishing something hadn't happened or that you could go back and change things doesn't do any good, Vi. Sometimes, it can do actual harm."

He still spent a lot of his time wishing he could change things, but he was at least aware now that it was more toxic than anything.

"The shrink they made me go to before they discharged me gave me some bullshit about how our experiences make us the people we are. In your case, that's--I like the person you are. I wouldn't want you to be any different even if I do wish you'd had a better childhood."

[graveflowers]

"So what, you only listen to your psychologist when you can use it on someone else instead of yourself?" She didn't mean for it to come out badly, but it did. Instinctively, some subconscious need to protect herself, she pulled her arm back from where it was draped across his chest, wrapping it around herself like a hug.

Her dad's drinking was only the tip of the iceberg that was her shitty childhood. And while she did appreciate that Jake liked how she turned out, she said the same to him and he never did seem to believe her. Why should she believe him?

[familyfuckup]

"Hey, I didn't mean that," he responded, shifting so that he could pull her back against him. If she fought him, he'd let her scoot away, but otherwise he was going to bundle her up against him.

"I'm sorry. I should have--it sucks. Life in general. Not now. I hope now is better for you. It is for me, but in general, the past sucks. A lot."

[graveflowers]

Violet sighed heavily, but she did let Jake pull her back in. She would admit that she needed the closeness he so easily provided.

"Now is better." She sighed again. The smart thing would be to just get all their issues on the table all at once, so they would know what they were dealing with and then slowly start to deal with them, but it was hard, coming out and admitting things you would happily pretend never happened.

"Sorry, I... that was rude, before."

[familyfuckup]

It would be the smartest thing, but it was also the most uncomfortable thing so naturally they avoided it like good little people in denial.

"No, it's fine. I got pretty pissed at my shrink for suggesting that." But he hated himself. He really hoped Violet didn't hate herself that way. "In spite of how much your childhood sucked, you turned out pretty amazing and I remain, a giant asshole. At least I'm self aware."

[graveflowers]

Violet had ten years to accept the worst parts of her childhood, ten years to start liking herself again. Jake was just a whole lot farther down the ladder than she was.

"You are not an asshole." She wasn't even going to thank him for complimenting her, she was simply going to stick with that.

[familyfuckup]

Eventually, he'd get there. He just needed some time and some patience. Violet was fantastic with providing both of them.

"So I keep hearing." Maybe one of these days he'd believe it.

[graveflowers]

"No, listen to me." Normally, with that bossy tone of voice and that listen mister edge to it, Violet would have sat up so he could get the full force of her grumpy expression. Instead, she stayed curled up next to him, eyes closed so she wouldn't have to look at him. She tried not to look at him with pity, she didn't want to look at it herself.

"I'm serious. You're not an asshole. You're sad and hurt and you hate yourself, but you are not an asshole. Assholes are people who drink so much they forget their family's name. Asshole are people who, who let their friends..." She paused for a moment, swallowing. "People who let their friends rape their teenage daughter to pay off a gambling debt. You are so far from an asshole, Jake. Why can't you believe that?"

[familyfuckup]

Jake was stunned into silence for a moment and then filled with absolute rage that had no where to go. He went very stiff beside her, but his need to protect her and comfort her over riding his need to beat the ever living shit out of her father.

"Vi...that's not an asshole. That's a monster." The words sound strained, measured, but also soft. "That--" he stopped. She didn't need him to tell her that that wasn't okay. "You know you didn't have anything to do with that, right? I mean that was all him and his--" he stopped, unable to come up with words expressive enough. "I still think you're pretty amazing."

[graveflowers]

"I know. I did take me a few years to figure out that it wasn't my fault. I mean, they tell you it's not your fault, but then, then you go to court and you have to defend yourself, absurdly, while everyone is telling you that it is your fault." She paused again and exhaled slowly, almost a sigh of relief. She had always had trouble talking about it, the majority of her early therapy sessions were spent in silence, but she knew it was bound to come up with Jake some time so it did feel a little like relief that it was over with. "I do know that it wasn't my fault, though."

Knowing that was part of how she could stand to pay for her dad's perpetual rehab. That and knowing if he was in rehab on the east coast, he wouldn't be coming to visit her on the west coast.

After a moment of quiet, she opened her eyes and looked up. "Thank you."

[familyfuckup]

"Okay. Good." He supposed that was something, that she'd figured out it wasn't her fault. That wasn't something he was sure he'd ever be able to live through so he admired her strength and her ability to move on and become not only a decent person but someone who was kind, caring and helped others as much as she did.

If her father ever came to the west coast, the only thing that would keep him from killing him would be Violet.

"For what? I was just telling the truth."

[graveflowers]

"For listening, thank you for that. And just... for not acting like it's, like it's... Just thank you." She pulled the blanket up a little, tucking it under her chin. "And thank you, for always making me feel safe." Which was damn important to her.

[familyfuckup]

"You do the same thing for me," Jake answered. He shifted so that he was curled up a little more around her, thinking she was cold. She didn't make him feel safe, so much as accepted, which was just as important to him.

[graveflowers]

Violet was content to just lay there like that for a while, very content to stay wrapped up in Jake. And she did, letting the silence and comfort wash over her, smoothing her frayed nerves. She was tired, emotionally drained, but she wasn't sleepy, savoring this quiet moment, her arm snaking gently around his waist again.

"We're going to the store tomorrow, Jake," she said, finally breaking the silence. "So, you know, get over it."

Rude, Violet, rude.

[familyfuckup]

It was actually better to give Jake sometime to prepare himself for something like that. He went through stages like refusal and denial and paranoia, finally reaching acceptance if he had time to process it.

"Fine, but don't get pissed if I hit people with my cane."

Like any self respecting old man (not) would do.